Letter of Recommendation

This is an actual letter of recommendation sent from one of my former bosses to a prospective employer. I've left the email in it's original form, with all the punctuation and case sensitivity unmodified.  However, names have been omitted to protect the guilty.  

dear prince of darkness -

 

meet josiah williams. expert mariner and ass magician. seriously you should see the stuff he can pull out of his ass.

josiah has toiled away for me in the sewer of humanity known as [company name omitted] for the past three years. primarily josiah was tasked with capturing unicorns and removing their horns for my collection. the unicorn breeding program i established with the leprechauns i befriended as a child has not really panned out the way they promised. 

as such josiah keeps bitching about how he now wants to "get a real job and to "quit working for his asshole boss."  so of course i told him to fuck off directly. but he has been a persistent bastard and claims some spiritual affinity towards your company. i scoffed at this notion but he is seriously fucking relentless.

so here's the deal. josiah is ready to get out of dodge (i told you he was a smart boy). and without any coaching at all (honest) he asked me about [company name omitted]. i was of course giddy to shatter his dreams. but knowing full well karma is a boomerang i am writing this email.

in fact - josiah is a really smart and talented guy. and you know i wouldn't go to all this trouble of harassing you if i didn't mean it and believe in him. he's the real deal dude.

so i'm not firing him or anything. thus he's not in a hurry and could milk this [company name omitted] thing for some time. and of course i have no clue if you are hiring people. but i did promise him you'd meet him. best of all he has paid me in magic beans for the opportunity of a conversation with you. i will begrudgingly split this wizardly bounty with you if you meet him.

so please do me this kindness. and let me know if you agree that he really is all that. if he is then how nice for you. and at last the burden of josiah will be at last lifted from my weary shoulders. and if not - then please tell him to fuck off directly. just don't sugar coat it.

your fetishist in urine and feathers -

[name omitted]

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